Columbus, OH –
This is not a Christmas song.
I mean, yes, it’s associated with the Christmas season.
It’s in the regular collection of songs we all hear starting sometime in November…
If not even earlier, when the stores all start bringing out their Christmas merchandise.
But thankfully, we’re only subjected to those listenings when in those stores.
We can choose to leave.
And mark that particular store off our list of shopping options.
While pity-ing the poor souls who work there…
And have no choice…
Other than maybe poking sharp objects into their ears…
Kinda the auditory equivalent of tearing their eyes out…
Anything to stop the torture of having to listen to sappy Christmas songs for half the year…
Yep, that’d definitely make me consider never being able to hear again.
But I digress.
Not that that’s unusual…
I have a tendency toward digression.
Comes with having a short attention span.
It starts with a single remark…
Which opens a door in another direction…
And next thing I know, I’m in another country…
Half-way around the world.
Well, maybe not quite that far…
But definitely heading somewhere I hadn’t intended.
And now I’ve done it again!
Digressed, that is.
So, back to my original topic.
Yes, technically, this is not a Christmas song.
It’s sorta a cold-weather song.
Maybe a Winter song.
You know, cold weather and all.
A little snow on the ground.
Or maybe a lot…
I mean, there’s this one line…
Something about being “up to my knees”…
Which means it’s probably only a light sprinkling of snow dust.
After all, we all know how guys like to exaggerate.
Especially when they think there’s a chance of getting laid.
It’s something in their DNA.
They start thinking with their lower brain…
And suddenly everything get’s blown all out of proportion.
Logic, reason, and all sense of reality are lost, somewhere back down the road.
Unless they live in Minnesota…
Where it snows something like 11 1/2 months out of the year…
In which case, the snow could be that deep…
Maybe deeper.
I know.
I’ve been there.
Wrong time to try and get an Uber…
But that’s another story.
So, yeah, this is a Winter song.
A cold-weather song.
A snow-is-falling song.
And yet, it had become one of the songs trotted out every Christmas season.
One you’re guaranteed to hear every December.
On the radio, or as part of the performance specials that litter the television schedule this time of year.
At least, it was…
Until last year.
Until the “Me Too!” movement came into play.
See, this song was a flirtation song.
Using the language of another time.
The flirtation language from almost a century ago.
Back when it was “improper” for an unmarried couple to spend the night together.
After all, the female part of the couple had a reputation to protect.
But the language hasn’t aged well.
No, now in the days of women getting roofied…
Well, let’s just say that lines about “what’s in this drink?” take on a whole new meaning.
So while those of us that know and understand the original context of the song might want to defend it…
Those that have grown up in the age of people being roofied will have a radically different interpretation of this song.
A very unpleasant interpretation.
And this goes double (if not triple) for those who have been roofied.
So, when the whole controversy exploded last year…
Well, let’s just say there was no thinking involved in deciding what song to twist up this year.
The only question was how to approach the musical abuse the song deserved.
And then along came a little band from Baltimore named Crack The Sky.
Well, they didn’t come along…
They’ve been around since the late 70’s.
It’s just, hardly anyone knows about them.
Unless you live in Baltimore.
Or work for Rolling Stone magazine.
Long story short, they recently re-recorded a collection of their most popular songs.
And among the songs is one that they originally wrote back during the punk music heyday.
It was written from the perspective of a Hugh Hefner type.
You know the type, big house, fancy car, and lots of scantily-clad young women hanging on his arms.
It’s called “Skin Deep”.
And it has this recurring background vocal part that goes “skin-skin-skin-skin-skin-skin-deep”.
And in my head, I replaced that with “me-me-me-me-me-me-too”.
And suddenly I knew the direction this would take.
So, prepare yourself.
This is a particularly naughty one.
Definitely going to find coal in my stocking this year.
I present this year’s addition…
The latest in my ongoing quest to ruin Christmas, one song at a time…
With backing vocals from Breanna Romer and Kelly Fitzgerald…
This year’s Twisted Christmas song is…
For the full archive of Twisted Xmas songs, click here.
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